Many people are not aware that conflict can be beneficial, nor do they know how to be in conflict effectively.  It is important to use conflict effectively because conflict is not only inevitable, but it also plays a crucial role in development. Conflict indeed plays a necessary role in spurring innovation or moving a relationship to a higher level of understanding.  So how can we be in conflict effectively?  Warner B. Wims, Ph.D., offers the following suggestions:

Depersonalize the conflict.  See if you can describe it in terms of a conflict over ideas, approaches, resources, and so forth, rather than a personal conflict.  This requires stepping back from any negative emotions engendered by the conflict.  Don’t deny your feelings. Accept them but look beyond them at the structure or ingredients of the conflict itself.  Explain your point of view and listen to the other person’s point of view.  Seek areas where there is agreement as a starting point for sorting out the more divergent areas.

Don’t blame.  If you engage the other person about the conflict from the point of view of blaming them, or yourself, you merely escalate the conflict.  You get the other person’s “back up” by putting them on the defensive. You eclipse acknowledging your possible role in contributing to the conflict.

Keep your emotions on an even keel.  Although you may be upset and angry, going overboard with their expression inspires the other person to also get emotional – both of you are then driven to obscure the facts.

Attention to the facts is paramount for resolving conflict constructively. Additionally, consider the possibility that you are upset about something that is completely unintended by the other party.

Surface the conflict.  A conflict that exists but is never acknowledged could become a ticking time-bomb, exploding at unpredictable times and in unexpected ways. Often we avoid surfacing a conflict because we over-estimate the possibility that it will make things worse, when normally it makes things better.

Be aware of your own motivation.  Are you motivated by wanting to have a better relationship?  Are you motivated by wanting greater personal success?  What about the success of others?

Create a safe environment.  Seek to maintain an environment or relationship where it is safe to bring up a conflict without engendering hurt feelings or animosity.  This requires establishing a track record where conflict is raised and resolved without blame, personalization, or negative emotions.  Once this is established, conflict becomes an opportunity for greater understanding and innovation.

Also see the following articles from SUCCESS STRATEGIES, the WBW & Associates, LLC. newsletter:

“Resolving Conflicts” Winter 2000

“Using Conflict Effectively” Fall 2003